Hello Baby #2
It happened! We fell pregnant with baby #2!
I think I avoided sharing it for so long because the emotions that encompass pregnancy after loss are extremely tough.
I remember after sharing our news for number 2 that I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility and anxiety.
While this new journey has been tough, it has also been incredibly rewarding.
After birth I didn’t really know what to do with myself because I spent 10 months preparing for a baby and I didn’t get to bring him home. I still wanted a baby but I had all of these emotions. We decided to not put any pressure on ourselves and just go with it. I commenced doing the things I enjoyed again. Created a routine between finishing my recipe eBook, started F45, following my process for conception (I just personally believed consuming things in a certain cycle help me as a person fall pregnant, every body is different). It was about reconnecting and surrendering to my new normal all in the process.
When I signed up to f45 for a 4 week workout I found I was pregnant after 2.5 weeks of training again. Bang!
We hit the jackpot! Only… we literally ‘did it’ three times that month (because ouch, post birth!)
Which means I literally found out I was pregnant 7-8 days after conception! I was shocked! I have never found out I was pregnant so early! It also then made the early stages more nerve racking but I remember clearly the moment I found out.
It was a monday, the sunday before that me and Teddy sat on the couch having a discussion as our emotions were so raw and it was the first time I really felt the ache my partner sat with. The weight of the journey was hurting his kind soul and it crushed me knowing this pain is really real.
At the same time I remember feeling an immense ache in my back! I wasn’t due for my time of the month
(although I had only one period since birth so knew that it could be a possibility for it to change its cycle length)
I remember saying to Teddy, my gosh my back is sore it reminds me of pregnancy! Then it clicked. Could I be?
I thought no way its way to early so didn’t think much more and off to bed we went.
The next morning I woke early and it was on my mind again. I grabbed one pregnancy test and did a test and within seconds that second line appeared! I remember just literally shaking. Shaking with nerves, excitement, joy. I hadn’t felt happiness like this. Happiness coupled with incredible fear. I knew this would be the beginning of my pregnancy after loss journey (PAL).
I simply couldn’t wait to tell Ted! I always thought about ways in the past of how I would want to ‘cutely’ tell my partner but my impatience always gets the best of me. It was 8am and he was at work and I wanted him to know! I quickly pieced together this little cute video on my phone of our time in the NT – travelling to waterfalls, fishing, swimming, fireworks and then a positive pregnancy test and a note that said ‘congrats your going to be a daddy again!’
I sent the video nervously to my partner and awaited his reaction. The idea was to build curiosity and then fill him with joy.
Little did I know men don’t function like women and that he wouldn’t watch it all the way to the end the first time so I got a response back ‘aww…thats cute darling.’ um what? I responded saying ‘you probably should watch it to the end’ and he said ‘haha sorry darling I got to the fireworks then was busy with work’ and I said ‘just watch it now!!’ His response after that was the best! Although its pretty funny that he wasn’t going to watch it to the end I bet he will watch everything now! haha. He was filled with so much joy and cried and I just knew that life had blessed us again and how very thankful I was for this moment.
I keep saying ‘this pregnancy is so similar to my last!’ but when I think about it more I guess it really isn’t. I found out so early this time. This time I vomited every single day from 5 weeks up to 19 weeks before it eased. I didn’t experience any intense food cravings, although I get faint quickly if I slag on routine eating. I have been tired heaps and this time I have an anterior placenta (meaning the babies placenta that pumps it food is at the front of my stomach instead of towards my back) this also means it masked kicks a lot until 20+ weeks! In fact, my partner felt his first kick today. Unlike Foxx I felt it all super early. He was such an active baby.
We said to each other we didn’t want to find out the gender from day dot. I think partly because I wanted to protect my emotions from ‘planning’ what life will be like next year so that I couldn’t create an ideal image in my mind of excitement and joy, but also so that we could experience the excitement together so immensely on delivery day.
However, I was literally convinced it was a boy. I just felt like I was having another little boy.
When we went for our morphology scan and they asked if we wanted to know the gender we didn’t hold back. That’s okay though as we agreed to just go with it in the end and not put pressure on ourselves. I couldn’t see anything in between the legs and I knew then it was a girl. She waited a while before confirming and a million thoughts ran through my mind.
What if I don’t understand my body? what if I think its a boy but my body is lying to me?
In that moment I cried. I didn’t know why because I felt so lucky but I also felt a sense of loss again, loss of our son and the loss of connection with my body. I have now learnt to understand that perhaps my heart just missed the boy we had and that finding out the gender that its a little girl has been the best thing because it allowed me to slowly adapt to these thoughts and changes and embrace them.
She is a new little soul and deserves the world and I will always make sure she feels so incredibly loved. We both promise her that.
I get a lot of questions about what we are doing this time around, but in a short summary we are working closely with an ob back in Brisbane. This means we are moving back to Brisbane mid-january to ensure the safe arrival of our little girl early March. My pregnancy this time is treated as high risk so I am receiving continuous monitoring for safety and regularly testing for all things.
Last time I did pregnancy Yoga but found I lost an incredible amount of strength which affected me in the last trimester mostly. This time I have been doing pregnancy Pilates twice a week and couldn’t recommend anymore highly. If your after a workout that still compiles strength without raising your heart rate then do this! I seriously feel like Kourtney Kardashian after each class. I maintain a much more consistent food regime this time around. I follow the meals in my pregnancy & mamahood recipe eBook to ensure I am still getting delicious food into me without compromising on the guilt bad food can have. The trick has been to always have it readily available and if not, then I opt for quick snacks like rice crackers with avo, plain brown rice crackers, carrots, smoothies and gluten free weetbix, or pre-made soups – all of which I call my ’emergency meals’. I think it is important to remember that you will lose weight after birth, the baby, fluid, placenta, it all weighs a lot and all that will naturally come off but what will stay is any bad food you eat. I have learnt that now so I limit any ‘bad’ food and to be honest I naturally gravitate towards more nutritional meals because of the way they physically make me feel.
When we grow up as a child all we see is beautiful pregnant women and then the birth of their new babies. We don’t understand what type of journey they had to go through to get there. I hope that people can be more mindful and understanding that everyones decisions and journeys are different. I have friends going through IVF, secondary infertility, miscarriages or even those that simply fall pregnant easily. None of these women should be judged for their journeys.
Always treat a woman with nothing but kindness for you never know how her heart may be hurting.