Some days I wonder if all those years I spent growing up reading, sharing and creating positive quotes to push me through life was to prepare me for this moment? The moment I would feel my heart shatter but still be able to walk through the broken pieces like the glass in my feet is now painless despite cutting me deeper at each step
There is just no guidebook for grief, in fact there is no longer a guide book for life. In pregnancy, we read books, apps, articles, talk to other mums and educate ourselves on so much information so that we can try and be the best mum possible. What we don’t read about, and often turn a blind eye on is what if we don’t get to be a mum the way we hoped?
I’ve always said that “everything happens for a reason, and to just trust the process” to which my mum used to despise me saying when I was growing up as she had experienced the loss of her own father when she was growing up. I understand now why she used to dislike me saying that, because I still can’t find a reason for why my son too had to leave this earth so soon.
The truth is, there will never be a real reason, there will be thousands of things I’ll play over in my mind that I wish I did differently but I still have to remind myself that no matter what was done one way or the other. This too may have always been the outcome. The worst possible thing to happen to two hopeful parents to be – neonatal death, the loss of their first born.
It could’ve always been our path, whether it was group b strep, a knot in the cord, placental abruption, preeclampsia or even a sudden illness. Thousands of babies are born every single day into heaven and a thousand more families and friends hearts are broken. Every. Single. Day.
I don’t know why we were chosen for this path, I don’t know why anyone is ever chosen for this path. Some days I feel immense pain, I can cry more than I can breathe but somehow I’m still breathing at the end of it all. I do know that we are not alone and what you should know is that if you are sitting here right now reading this then that our little Foxx is protecting you, your baby and future babies because you are a mum/mum-to-be that is now aware.
Aware that life won’t always be as you planned and hoped, aware that you can prepare yourself for everything but there can always be something greater.
I wish I could bring him back every single day. I wish it was all different a thousand times over and I wish I never had to experience immense pain. My hurt goes far beyond any words I could ever write but just know that one day we smile again, and I hope you can smile with us too because we will never stop looking for the good in each and every day. Appreciating all that we had, and hopeful for all that we will one day have.