I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed in this bridge of happiness and despair. Joy and pain. Love and loss.
Since Elle came into our world I feel a disconnection to my past. It is like a whole other life and it aches me to say. A part of me at times wants to just go back. Pack up our family and return, return to the place where my son lived his short life. To hold onto every memory as it all creeps further away.
I am overwhelmed because my emotions are felt in a different way. Tears don’t fall as easily when I am sad but come naturally when I am overwhelmingly happy. Those that may pass me in the street would have no idea about the gratitude and fullness my heart truly feels but they also don’t know about the bridge of pain I had to cross to get there. They don’t know what journey we went on. That my heart has holes in it because a piece will always be missing.
Is this really my life? The life I will live without one of my own children growing up in it? I still can’t comprehend. I still don’t know why I had to be torn apart from the inside out and how to bring myself back together again.
Am I together again? I don’t know. As the time has past the conversation is discussed less and when it is it just feels like he is a piece of me that I can naturally discuss without the shatter of my heart. I’ve always been able to talk about him with pride and strength. Even if known for a short while I know that he was meant for this earth and he was taken far too soon before his time. That’s why whenever someone says ‘everything happens for a reason’ I just have to press my lips and nod. To them they have no idea. I used to once think the same. Think about destiny, when something knocks on your door or happens that it is ‘meant to be’ but loss is something that is never meant to happen in this world. Not that soon. It isn’t something that happens for a better reason. If you find yourself saying that saying then you don’t understand. It is okay to not always understand. I don’t even understand and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with just letting this be and acknowledging that sometimes there will never truly be a reason.
Every time I write, it is with the deepest pain. I write with my heart falling apart and the tears are the acknowledgement of that pain. It is the part that has lead me to avoiding crossing with these emotions again but something I so truly feel I need to share more of because despite the arrival of our uttermost joy – Elle. The overwhelmingness of surrendering to the loss of our son is still so incredibly painful. I don’t think anyone has the ability to get me to open up to them face to face. I can’t talk but I can write. My soul is healing but it will never be healed. It’s like putting a bandaid on a wound. The wound will get better but the scar will never disappear. A memory imprinted on you for a lifetime. This is just the kind of wound you won’t physically notice but if you get the chance to open someone up you may just discover more to them.
In saying this, I have written so much since Elle has arrived but I’ve been stuck in the cross road of emotionally grieving while still feeling so happy that we have our rainbow baby with us that I have struggled to share the depth of my words.
I have a series of untold stories because I can’t communicate an ending from living in despair but now I live with that plus more. I live with joy, happiness, appreciation, gratitude. I live with everything I have ever wanted. A wealth of happiness from the person who chose us. It is why the stories are consistently unfinished because through letting out the pain I also gain the ability to be thankful again. Thankful for the person who trusted that we could lead her through the most captivating life. I will be lead on my greatest journey too.