Pause & Rewind

Pause & Rewind

Have you ever wished that you could hit a pause & rewind button on your life? Pause on a moment you could spend a little longer enjoying, and rewind to take you back to a moment from your past.

I feel like for most people their answer would be “Yes, I wish I could pause & rewind”.
Most people probably expect me to answer in the same way. Except I don’t want to hit pause and rewind, because I am already living in a life where that button has been hit.

They hit pause on our life, and rewinded us right back to “life before a child”.
Life where you don’t have to think about much other than yourself, Life where clocks are needed to wake you up and the biggest thing you spend time planning is where your next holiday may be, or what your new career goals are.

I am not saying life before a child is straight forward and bleek, but it’s when you have spent 10 months planning for your world to be loud, to be challenging, to be sleepless and full of change and that reality never shows up, least not in the way you expected  well… now life does seem straight forward and bleek.

You wake up, but in nothing but silence much different from how you ever had planned to wake up again”

That out of body experience. It happens everyday almost like I am the angel, I am the angel watching over my own life from above as it moves in slow motion. Even when I write, it feels like I am an author writing about someone else’s life. Someones life in which I don’t know their emotions, thoughts and feelings and instead I can just recreate them to however I want.

But this, this is real. Not only am I the author, I am the character. I feel everything. I felt it all. I wish the emotions, thoughts and feelings didn’t exist behind each word I write but they are there.

I almost try to forget it all and block it out, but then I see a photo of him, or a memory pops into my head and I am reminded that this really did happen, he was ours, we had a baby!

In Foxx’s 10 months of life in the womb, and 3 days earth side he managed to create memories for a life time. I never knew how precious those memories would one day be.

“I can’t explain what the emotions are like behind those memories”

The intensity is nothing like ever before, nothing you could imagine. I know I am not the only one to experience loss and death, but I am apart of a small minority that experience infant loss.

It’s a cruel reality to settle into, that the world see’s our baby as to precious for this earth. Too precious for this earth you tell me? Well this earth is just fucked up to be quite frank.
Our baby was just right, just right for our world. The world we had created for him to be in our arms and filled with our love everyday. The world where we too would learn just as much from him, as he would from us.

When we do have the chance to one day bring a baby home that we will be able to hold in our arms, love for a lifetime and learn from. There will still, there will always, be a big gaping hole. A memory that we don’t just have one child, but we have two. We have one that couldn’t be here with us today, one that couldn’t stay. One memory that we will relive for the rest of our life where the emotion will never fade.

If there was one moment I could hit pause & rewind to, it would be to your birth baby Foxx in the moment you entered the world and for a little while we felt like a family who had just achieved our dream.

“I would tell the world over and over again, that this is one moment worth pausing everything else for”


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