Life as I know it now, being a parent for the first time earthside. Raising a little being beyond day 3. It is filled with such immense joy. Joy because we finally got here. We got through a year of grief, pain and fear. We got through the anxiety. The unknown. We got through it to have our baby Elle.
It is almost with as much happiness I write with the same level of sadness. I have a smile so big on my face but tears still fall from my eyes.
I couldn’t count on one hand the amount of times I have sat and stared at my daughter with a full heart only to have the tears from a still shattered heart fall onto her head.
The reality is accepting everything that has happened in the last year to be here. The way I held my feelings close and tight. I held them secure because securing everything within is what is sometimes best. I knew it was best for me. Yet there would still be moments that all I felt inside would seep through the cracks and outpour when I least expect it. It would build and crumble when my heart needed to release.
All this happiness is shadowed by pain. A pain I won’t let my daughter feel but a pain she will grow to understand because it is what represents a love so deep. A love for what is lost.
I’ll never forget what life should have looked like.